I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
