i just had sex bonerless
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
did i walk over a car last night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
