Please don't use social media to get back at me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize