Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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