When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just sent this text using only my big toe
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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