Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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