Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
