You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Please, let me fuck your mom
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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