I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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