You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
