Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
