woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
