he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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