It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
