Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
