She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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