The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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