apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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