I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
only you would photoshop your dick
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
