Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
