i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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