Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You're like the curious george of whores
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
