I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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