i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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