I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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