Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
