DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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