Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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