So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
