i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
