I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
