im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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