omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
