I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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