Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
