2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
