I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
