Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
