If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
