i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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