Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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