guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You pole danced in your parka.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
