True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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