so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
