worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Success! We fucked roommates!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
