Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
