My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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