why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I fill condoms, not promises.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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