Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
