I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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