Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
