guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
