Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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