turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize