I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
