if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
