I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
