I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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