Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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