I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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