Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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