This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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