We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
