I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
