just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
