it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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