I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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