If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
