You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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